USE LOGIC or facts

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at HatedHero11@gmail.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky. I’ve fucked a fat ginger before. I swear. Actually it was on the beach and I gave her the Screamin’ Seagull. No lies.

Now, let me get into the email I received (letter in italics, Logic in bold)

p.s. Linked by Saint Andrew’s Net from WithLeather. Thanks, MMP.

Dear Logic,

First of all, I’d like to thank you for pointing out the fact that Chris Henry was arrested 5 times in 28 months (for Assault, Serving Alcohol to Minors, Marijuana Possesion and Drunk Driving) and if he was in jail…where he should be… he wouldn’t have died from a Domestic Disturbance. He was an obvious felon that was getting special treatment because of his talent. He got national recognition because Ochocinco is a drama queen and because Henry himself, is an athlete. I’ve had many people die in my life. Some through murder. None of them got this kind of response and prayer from millions of people while my friends and family have been good Christians.

Moving on to the issue at hand. Midgets freak me out. I don’t know what to call those people. Half-Pints? Small-Fry? Even the slurs they have are stupid. I’d just like to call them “Chodes” if you don’t mind. So this Chode is trying to play hockey. Here is the link. This is kind of a non-issue right now because he is only 10 years old. He is just slightly smaller than every other 10 year old. Which is why I am writing now. In 8 years, this kid thinks he is going to break the height barrier in hockey. He doesn’t understand that they don’t let midgets in for a reason…they are creepy. Many of them smell weird. I think it’s because they have a low center of gravity and get farted on a lot. I didn’t draft Maurice Jones Drew in fantasy football because of this reason. I once sprinted away from Vern Troyer at an Applebees. Is it me, or do midgets just look like they are going to jump on your back and bite your neck? Like a killer back-pack of some sort.

Anywho, I was really hoping that you can weigh in on this topic because the world NEEDS to know what to do. Lead us, Logic. I know you already took a stance on the Mentally Handicapped and the Physically Challenged in Golf…but what about Hockey!? Well, as I said he is only 10 so give me a reply whenever you get a chance. As Monday Morning Punter always says “children are our future, unless we stop them”! Thanks a lot, Logic.

Love,
A Teeny Tiny Bit Nervous

*end scene*

This was a tough e-mail to chew on, so I walked in a mile in everyone’s shoes. And boy do my feet hurt. Some of those shoes were tiny. (See what I did there?)

Dear ATTBN,

Hoo boy. I don’t know how to even respond to that one! I’m not a big hockey fan, but I would assume that having some half-human, half-Lord of the Rings character, skating around the ice, getting a puck shot at it by the Normals wouldn’t do the lil fella any good. I could just imagine Eric Lindros hip-checking this “Chode” and giving it a concussion from the Lindros-bone-to-Midget-skull connection that would take place. Then bouncing his oversized head right off the ice like bowling ball that was inconveniently thrown down the lane instead of rolled.

This really puts me in an awkward situation. This isn’t like watching some retard trying to gum his way through a cantaloupe. This is a fucking midget. Midgets are always funny. I can see why you are creeped out by them. I, however, am not. I’ve actually thrown a midget in a Velcro suit onto a wall of “the sticky side” of the Velcro. That might be the only sport midgets are good at, being the object used in “Midget Tossing”. I finished in 3rd place that night!

On the other hand, this will totally turn the sport into a sideshow. What’s next? Bearded ladies? Lizard men? Black guys? No. No. No. That’s all wrong. This is hockey. This isn’t bobsledding, where a comical Jamaican team can come in rattle the foundation of the sport!

best. movie. ever.

Hockey hasn’t had any changes in it, since like, the Cold War. Miracle was it? I don’t know. Hey, does Eric Lindros still play? Whatever. My final answer is: I don’t like oddities in sports. It’s that simple. People that are 2 and 1/2 feet tall should be behind velvet blue ropes and you need tickets to see them. They shouldn’t put on tiny little ice skates and try to stop pucks with their bodies. Even though that could be adorable. Ah! God damn you, Midgets! I’m very conflicted, but Midgets cannot play hockey. They can, however, join the circus. There. It’s final. And no, this is a killer backpack.

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic.

1. Natasha Richardson- Actor- Head trauma
2. Jett Travolta- Actor’s Kid- Head trauma
3. Mike Tyson’s Daughter- Asphyxiation via treadmill chord
4. Dom DeLuise- Actor- Kidney failure (75 years old)
5. David Carradine- Actor- Auto-erotic asphyxiation (76 years old)
6. Ed McMahon- TV Show Host-  Bone cancer (86 years old)
7. Farrah Fawcett- Actor- Anal Cancer
8. Michael Jackson- Musician- Cardiac Arrest
9. Billy Mays- Infomercial Salesman- Heart Failure
10. Karl Malden- Actor- Natural Causes (97 years old)
11. Steve McNair- Football Player-  Murdered (Shot in the face from a murder/suicide. One arrest made.)
12. Oscar Mayer- Weiner Salesman- Natural Causes (95 years old)
13. Arturo Gatti- Boxer- Murdered (unknown as of know but apparently was strangled with a pocketbook strap most likely from his wife)
14. Walter Cronkite- News Anchor- Cerebral Vascular Disease (92 Years Old)
15. Frank McCourt- Author- Melanoma/Menningitis (78 years old)
16. Taco Bell Dog- Actor- I would imagine from eating Taco Bell. And coincidentally died merely days after Michael Vick got out of jail.
17. Vernon Forrest- Boxer- Murdered/Shot in the face
18. Jim Johnson- Football Coach- Cancer (68 years old)
19. Robert McNamara- Politician- Natural Causes (93 Years Old) - thanks to commenter Robert
20. Les Paul- Musician- Natural Causes- (94 Years Old)
21. Robert Novak- Journalist- Brain Cancer (78 Years Old)
22. Jasmine Fiore- Model- Murdered (and stuffed in a trash can)
23. Ryan Jenkins- Reality Show Contestant- Suicide via Hanging
24. Ted Kennedy- Politician- Brain Tumor (77 years old)
25. Dominick Dunne- Author- Bladder Cancer (83 Years Old)
26. Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein- Disc Jockey-  Most likely drugs.
27. Jim Carroll- Writer- Heat Attack (59 Years Old)
28. Patrick Swayze- Actor- Pancreatic Cancer (57 years old)
29. Crystal Lee Sutton- Inspiration for” Norma Rae”- Brain cancer (58 years old)
30. Myles Brand- NCAA President- Pancreatic Cancer (67 Years old)
31. Mary Travers- Singer- Leukemia (72 years old)
32. Oral Roberts- Televangelist- Natural Causes (91 Years Old)
33. Chris Henry- Cincinnati Bengals WR- Brian Trauma
34. Brittany Murphy- Actress- Cardiac Arrest

I Still Think Paris is a Hot Bitch

Seems like the only things we do over here are bukakkes Blogkakkes and Last Calls. Well that’s my fault. I’m too busy swimming in hot chicks and money. Last night, I spent all night trying to fit all these 20$ bills in my wallet! It was nearly impossible! I got to admit, sometimes being a sports blogger has it’s downside. Like when the paparazzi won’t leave you alone. (Ed. Note: UGH! I hate when that happens!) Other times, things just seem to fall in your lap.

I’m not sure if all the sexin’ has been the Giants downfall, unless Antonio Pierce slipped a disk doing the pile driver. I think the problem is this ratio of economy=Bill Clinton:George Bush is to defense=Spags:Sheridan. That’s the real problem. All the guy had to do was coast, for crying out loud! I think Eli dippin’ his wick into a bunch of sluts actually makes him human. He was knocked by New York media for being emotionless during his rookie season and then the same NY Media ripped Sanchez and Ryan for crying in their rookie seasons. If you want the middle ground, you get Rex Grossman. So shut up, NY Post. You stink.

The source might not be credible. First of all…she’s a whore seller. Secondly, she knows AJ Daulerio is a blow fiend (and Deadspin is Brooklyn-based) who wasn’t paying attention until she mentioned hookers and Eli Manning in the same sentence. If she said Mark Sanchez it’d be a non-issue. If she said “Tiger Woods”, people would have bought he shitty book of lies. Now, it’s still all hearsay and Joe Namath is still the biggest womanizing quarterback in New York.

I can only imagine how you would have to get the information out of Eli for conformation:

"HURRRR HURRRRR"

Police Man: “Now Eli, on the dolly, show us where she touched you…” hands Eli blow pop
Elisha: drools “She touched my fireman.” Smiles at stuffed animal her brought for courage
Police Man: “Oh thank God, this is over.”

end scene

Football's Val Venus

Did anyone ever check to see if Archie and his wife had the same surname? This whole family has way too large of foreheads. Plus, Wikipedia says Eli lives in the same building as Jesse Palmer and we know that guy is pulling tail (see: Erin Andrews, the Bachelor), I bet the whores were on their way to his apartment he just ordered them to Eli’s (meant literal, not black-talk) crib where he would pick them up. Because he’s sly like a fox, that Palmer is. Anyway, does Deadspin have like a direct line for whores to call that say they have inside information on Tiger Woods? Like a sexy batphone? Or a stiletto shoephone like in Get Smart?

Touche, Daulerio.

Hey now. It’s Friday and I’m going out drinking. What does that mean in a sports-blogging sense? Well…I’ll be drunk? Anywho, I often do a segment called Use Logic in which I right the wrongs in the sports world, for example: Use Logic v1.0 and my personal favorite the one that lead to me getting Swine Flu, Use Logic v5.0. I thought it would be a good idea to not sift through my hundreds of emails daily for that perfect sports question (but feel free to do it, HatedHero11@Gmail.com) that I need to answer. Instead, just ask me on this cooky website that I got from YankeesMeg and boy, does she like to yank!

So go to FormSpring and ask me anything you want. It can be about life, love and laughing because that’s what every girl has in their profile picture. Or it can be about mouth-breathing, Bazooka chewing, acne-riddled douche bags at Best Buy that sell me my iPhone (did I mention to anyone that I got an iPhone?) and make me want to punch them in their giant zit that sits on their shoulders head. It can even be about how you think OJ didn’t do it. Whatever man, we’ll cover all sorts of topics. I was a history major. So now that I stopped being a caveman and got a data phone, you can have Logical access anytime you want! Oh, and when I was a caveman, I didn’t hate Geico but I did listen to The Sounds a lot.

Someone always gets fucked. And I think it is the Yankees. If you didn’t hear, the Yankees, Diamondbacks and Tigers completed a 3-way (7 player) trade. The logistics of the trade went:

New York Yankees: Get CF Curtis Granderson from Detroit

Arizona Diamondbacks: Get SP Ian Kennedy from New York and SP Edwin Jackson from Detroit

Detroit Tigers: Get SP Max Scherzer and LHP pitching prospect (and ESPN analyst and former Bronco’s offensive lineman, Mark Schlereth’s son) Daniel Schlereth from Arizona and RP Phil Coke and CF Austin Jackson from New York

I think the Yankees got the shit end of the stick. Definitely in sheer numbers and potential of the future. Now, this article will be exclusively from the Yankees point of view, so if you don’t want to hear it… Click one of our sponsors or PLAY SOME PARTY POKER! I hear it’s super fun.

Now, the Yankees don’t have much to worry about from a line up’s stand point. They reinforced the best line up in baseball. No doubt. Curtis Granderson is coming off of a down year in which he stole 20+ bases, hit 30+ home runs, scored 100 runs and hit around 90 RBIs. But I’m pretty sure he was 6th in the MLB in strike outs and bat .240 which is horrible for a lead off hitter. Not to mention that he is the worst in the MLB against left hand pitchers. He has a mediocre throwing arm (9 assists in last 2 years) but can cover good ground with his speed. He is fairly young at 28 years old (turning 29 before the season).

Ok, so he’s basically the black Nick Swisher. Whatever. I guess his fielding is better, but Swisher has a better arm. Is it safe to say that the Yankees just traded for Black Thunder Willie Mays Hayes from Major League? As a Yankees fan, we know that every fly ball to the outfield is an adventure with Damon and Swisher out there. I guess defensively its a huge upgrade because that pushes Melky to LF by default. Not bad, but my point was… if you re-signed Damon, this was a non-issue. What is it that they say…”Why fix it, if it ain’t broke”?. They say that, right?

I didn’t like that they gave up Austin Jackson for him. I think that was a mistake. I could eat my words in a few years. You don’t know. Austin Jackson can turn out to be Daryl Strawberry or Willie Mays. Who knows? The rule of thumb says that you always trade potential for talent. It’s not always the case (see: Mark Sanchez v. Jay Cutler pre-2009 season debate). I think this was one of the cases where you save the younger talent. Jackson is 23 years old and getting to be MLB ready, Granderson has declined in the last 3 years. It’s much more probable that a CF prospect will turn out to be Curtis Granderson than it is a SP prospect will turn out to be Roy Halladay. Which brings me to my next point. Why didn’t they just pull the trigger on the Halladay deal for the same players? That was a hefty package, the Blue Jays really wouldn’t accept that? It’s much more difficult for Joba or Phil Hughes and definitely Ian Kennedy to become what Roy Halladay already is than it is for Austin Jackson to become Curtis “.240″ Granderson. Anyway, did anyone else notice the piles of shit next to Joba and Hughes during the playoffs? They buckled like Perez Hilton’s knees when he saw Gerard Butler’s ass in Law Abiding Citizen.

I think the cause for concerns in the Yankees off season was starting pitching (#1), LF (#2), the bullpen (#3) and DH (#4). Yeah I know, they just got CC and AJ. They have the unproven bullpen allstars of Joba and Hughes coming into the rotation. Also, they have Wang in the back end (Ed. Note: OMG!). Girardi is now saying Aceves will get spot starts. Andy Pettite was the big question but he was just signed to a 1 year deal. I don’t know how Edwin Jackson at 26 and Max Scherzer at 25 (Ian Kennedy at 25) are all moved around and the Yankees don’t get any of them. Instead, they sign Andy Pettite the 37 year old, who pitched almost 200 innings last season, to an $11.75 million (1 year, no incentives) contract. Did I tell you that he practically needs the iRobot arm to pitch? Especially when the two young guys out pitched Pettite. Maybe he did have a better record, but he also played on the best team in baseball. Pettite had a higher ERA and the least amount of strikeouts amongst the 3.

Edwin Jackson and Max Scherzer are both MLB ready pitchers that would’ve made great #3 or #4 starters. Then, Pettite has no leverage. Kind of like “The Fuck You” tactic that Cashman did to Damon and Matsui who will probably would have been more essential to this year’s Yankee team.

And I didn’t even get into the bull pen. Apparently the rotation will be CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, Andy Pettite, Joba Chamberlain, Phil Hughes (with Aceves getting spot starts and an untrustworthy Wang due to over-exertion). So after the trade of Phil Coke to Detroit and the trade of Brian Bruney to the Nationals (for next to nothing) that leaves the Yankees bullpen with Robertson, Marte and Mariano Rivera and long relievers of Chad Gonad and Sergio Mitre if they are even alive. They could have Cory Lidle’d themselves and I wouldn’t care.

Sorry for ranting but I think the Yankees filled a pretend void that Brian Cashman made up. They had Melky Cabrera, Brett Gardener and Austin Jackson that could have filled that pretend void. Instead they neglected Matsui, Damon, their aging catcher, aging shortstop, rotation issues, lack of bullpen and making Logic happy. That last one is like a cardinal sin. Now if you excuse me, I have a jersey to buy.

p.s. Wtf is Max Scherzer, like, an Alaskan Husky or something?

Wow. Really, Tiger?

This is Day 2 of Logic covering the Tiger Woods rape/murder/domestic violence/drug ring. It’s literally all anyone can talk about. And being in the mainstream media, I need to make sure that I get my opinion out there because if there is one truth to the “world of Logic” it is that I never lie about anything. Especially like being raped or being on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine.

Well, I was reading the Daily News at work today and I noticed my co-workers reading the NY Post and Newsday and the headlines were all basically similar. They were all cliches like “Tiger loses his stripes! Gets scratched!” or “What a bad driver!” type headlines and after I was done puking, I turned up the radio. It was Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton. They were, of course, talking about Tiger Woods. It was breaking news that a “middle aged blond woman” was taken from his house sitting up on a stretcher at 2:30AM on 12/8/09. (This was apparently Elin’s mother). Any coincidence to the anniversary of the day after the bombing of Pearl Harbor? Well, I just paint the picture. You can interpret it however you want.

Now, we have Tiger Woods sleeping with 11 humans (according to my count)(see above link). We also have testimony of “ambien” and apparently Tiger may have tried to commit suicide on Thanksgiving by ingesting vicodin and ambien while boozing. If you forget, I’m from Long Island and I think my friend will help me explain.

That's Not Suicide! That's a fahckin' pahrty!

You said it, Sal the Guido-Anteater (thanks, Ufford). I guess it would just be fitting to go through all the women? Am I right?

• Rachel Uchitel- VIP Club Hostess- Ground Zero for home-wrecking whores. I don’t even know how the rumors started circulating about her. I just know that after her, it started going down hill. She is the hottest of the group even though her hair looks like she’s 1/2 “Dirty Golden Retriever”.
• Jamie Jungers- Waitress/Model- I don’t know who was second chronologically but she is second on that list that I gave you. She doesn’t look terrible. I mean, I’d let her give me a blowjob if she begged me. WHOA! Someone get me some fuckin’ Goose and mixers. She looks a lot better when she was 20 years old than she does now which proves to me that Tiger is an incubus of some sort and his semen ages you.
• Mindy Lawton- Perkins Waitress- Holy shit. This broad is disgusting. She is like Brooke Hundley gross. I could have sworn that was Sue Collini from Califnorication
• Kalika Moquin- Nightclub Executive- I’m hoping this broad was about 6′4” because I wouldn’t want to have sex with her if I saw over her rack. Her rack is fantastic though. It just looks like she was attacked by a monkey.

Ok. Maybe not a Monkey. Maybe attacked by a... wait for it.. TIGER!

• Jaimee Grubbs- Reality TV Show Parasite/Waitress- She actually isn’t bad looking in that picture from the list but I don’t think she is THAT hot. She’s probably would win the silver medal in looks. Gold Medal in female douchery. Not to mention that she is a terrible speller. It was after her “Tell-All Story” that everything unraveled and Tiger forgot Man-Law #1 “Deny ’till you Die”.
• Holly Sampson (SFW)- Porn Star- Ok, she is new to me. I didn’t know about her. She automatically jumps to the top of the list because she got naked for money. That makes her a hooker. But she could’ve taken a cue from Ashley DuPree who said “…at least I kept my mouth shut”. Really, in the long run, paying this top dollar hooker [Dupree] would have been a lot less costly than banging these 11 girls flying them all over the world and then having to give your wife a contract extension of A-Rod proportion.
• Cori Rist- Aspiring Model/Mother of 1/Lush- According to one of the NY newspapers I read today, Rist has 1 child and a sugar daddy who transferred $100,000 to her account in a lump sum because she can’t support herself. Currently she is in a custody battle with her gums over her teeth her ex-husband over their daughter. Good luck, princess. She is from NY though, so she is a Hometown Whore that I have to root for.
• Joslyn James (Very NSFW)- Porn Star- Ok, I did not know about her either. How do both porn stars on this list not catch my eye? This is ridiculous. Good for Tiger. I’m going to beat it to both of these girls later, hoping they do something with a strap-on or a tranny. (double the tits, same amount of schlong)
• “Un-Named British TV Presenter” and “Un-Identified Cocktail Waitress”- Represented by question marks on this list, they still get a mention here.

Everyone was right though, these women are all soft money whores that deserve to die. They all literally saved texts and voicemails to one day incriminate this guy if they had to. Which is pretty pathetic. And Tiger definitely thought he was “Teflon” so to speak, but when fame and fortune is on the line for all these “Aspiring Models”, “Porn Stars” and “Reality TV Show Harlots”, they will sell you the eff out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo on the first day of Hanukkah. Especially with girls like Grubbs, James and Sampson, those girls are just going to use this scandal to get their name out and be popular. Regardless of them lying or not. I don’t even think Tiger can build a legal case against the girls that ended up lying (hypothetically speaking) because at least half of them have got to be at least telling half truthsand at this point the judge wouldn’t trust him. Except for Judge Joe Brown, he’s a gangsta.

Anything to say Sal the Guido-Anteater?

Word.

Well the only reason I am up right now, is because my co-writer for the screen play I am trying to write called me. So, I thought it would suiting to formally announce me coming back to the blogging world. I will mainly be writing for the Gally Blog for all posts related to sports/video games. I’ve already posted my last two posts: My Christmas List or A Very LOGICal Christmas, and my frightening experience with Tiger Woods from the Masters in 2009. Turns out, I was his 11th victim. Me! 11logic. Shocking! Well that’s it. I’m going to watch Law Abiding Citizen. Good Night

Can we all agree that “Under Construction” is the best album ever?

This story would have surfaced much quicker, but the tabloids seem to have been wasting their time on all the other victims of the Tiger Attacks. People fail to realize that I am from Long Island, New York. If you don’t know the golf significance of that, here you go (exact distance from my favorite bar to Bethpage Black). I just want you to know, that I went to the US Open in 2009, but that is almost irrelevant. It was the after party that got hectic. Where I was raped by Tiger Woods…

…and The Gally Blog has paid me to release my story. I have been given a Berstreet hair-doll, the second half of Gimp’s Valtrex and $2.12 from Gally. I think I got a better deal than the chick from Tool Academy. She had to date that guy from the show. Yuck.

Alright. So this is very hard for me to type. Awhile ago, I reached local celebrity status when I did a cover for a fitness magazine.

Turns out, athletes read that magazine. I was at a local Bethpage club and it got a little intense. Derek Jeter was there doing a promotion for the local sports radio station, WFAN and all the best golfers in the world were there. It was a costume party, so you knew things would get out of hand.  This is where I was first approached…by him. Tiger recognized me from the cover of my magazine. He bought me a shot of Goldschlager and said something about it being the same shot Tommy Lee bought Pamela Anderson when they first met. I took the shot, and blushed. And I don’t normally converse with half-breeds (you don’t know where their allegiance lies).

Then a crowd of girls, and myself, was invited to the VIP only section of this high end club. It had fancy blue ropes and everything! Then, a random guy that no one really knew but went by the name of “Sway” broke out some Ambien and all the cool kids were sniffing it, so I said why not? After a bunch of rails, I took my Captain Morgan and Ginger Ale and sat down for a bit to relax. I noticed Derek Jeter saying goodbye to Tiger and this was getting “too out of hand” for him. Mark Gastineau was tripping on Peyote and thought these two girls kissing were lizards that were eating each other. We all laughed. The next thing I know, I was standing up and I got punched in the face as hard as I’ve ever been punched before….

I wake up in a dark SUV with comfortable seat warmers. I was okay. Not even a concussion or a bruise. Maybe I just passed out from the Ambien. I don’t know. I see I’m in the car with a lot of people but it was dark. I didn’t see who it was until once I got in the living room of this mansion, I was tripped and stripped down naked. It didn’t take long because I was dressed like a hussy for the costume party. I probably deserved this rape.

Looking up in my daze, I see a light-skinned, yet dark man pull down his pants. The first thing I notice? He was dressed as a stupid ironic Tiger. Second thing I notice? Missy Elliot putting a gun to my throat (play the above song, now). The third? This half-bred man had a Mandarin character tattooed on his pubic region. My Mandarin is a little rusty, but I think it read “Crush Pussy”. Then I heard this man mutter, “Sorry. I don’t use roofies. Right hooks are much cheaper.” And that’s when the Missy Elliot backwards talk from “Work it” really freaked me out, because I could have sworn I just lost my asshole virginity. I looked around the room. I see Pete Wentz huddled in the corner crying…was he next? One could only hope. Jeremy Piven is sitting there grinning like an idiot. I think he just liked to watch. Then I noticed; “What the fuck? No reach around?”

So after I was passed around this party of Missy Elliot, Tiger Woods and Steve Phillips (whose house I assumed we were at…beautiful grout job on the tile); the Nike condoms were piling up throughout the room. That’s when Lindsay Lohan started shooting them like whiskey shots saying, “My father told me to never waste a drop. It gives you a better singing voice.”

The rest was kind of black. My head was slammed against Phillips’ cool marble floor a bunch of times, and I hope it was a strap on that Missy Elliot was using. I heard the brain tries to block out traumatizing situations, like the girl who had her face eaten by a monkey. I don’t know. It was hazy, but it went on for hours. He worked me. I was ashamed from it all. I spent my next night in front a mirror putting on lipstick, telling myself, “You’re dirty girl. You don’t deserve to go to prom!” while in my sister’s prom dress. Then it was just hours on hours of a cold shower to wash the filth off of me.

So I don’t know what the count is up to. It was 9 when I left home for work and now even a homeless man is saying he slept with Tiger, too. I hope I was at least before him, or I may need to get check for VD. The saddest part about this all? I had to leave HIM a voicemail! His response? “Stop calling me. I don’t remember that.” But then he’d wink at me in passing and put 1 finger over his mouth to signal, “Hush, sweet prince”. Welp, That’s my story. My only regret? It wasn’t Brady Quinn. RAWR! I guess it was all my fault for being such an irresistible slut, huh?

This is the life of Logic…You thought you knew…But you have no idea…

As you know, I’ve been on a hiatus until I took the LSAT. I used this as a studying technique because I have no self-control and usually when on my computer, I’m drinking something I shouldn’t. A lot has happened in the sporting world during my break from blogging. For instance, a particular golfer got caught using all of my moves (ex: ambien sex, the line ” I will work you”). Not cool, Tiger. I almost had my sister say she slept with Tiger Woods because at this point, he doesn’t even know who he’s paying off. Plus, if he was chillen with Jeter….he probably de-pants’d thousands of women. Anywho, there also has been much more news. More relevant to Logic as well. So in order to address all of these headlines equally and offer my solutions, I decided it would be fitting to get into the Christmas Spirit by offering my List (sorry Jewish Readers).

I got this idea when I googled “Retards in Sports” for a Using Logic segment (that I love oh so much) and all that would come up is Grady Sizemore fucking a coffee cup and Hines Ward take out menus. I decided that, hell it IS December. Maybe the other guys around here will grab a hot chocolate and vodka and think about what they would like from ole Kris Kringle.

Dear Santa,

I don’t think I’ve been a good person. I never have. You know this. This hasn’t stopped you from giving me what I want. It actually appeases me. We’ll consider you Winston Churchill and I’m someone that I don’t like comparing myself to. I also decided that it would be horribly anti-Semitic to talk about Hitler in a Christmas List article, so Santa, you must understand that I’m not going to compare myself to him.

I think that you are going to be very busy this year, as always. So my list will easy. If you need help, Jesus says he loves me so I’m sure he’ll help out in all ways possible. Now this list isn’t going to be the same as last years. I no longer want diplomatic immunity and the batmobile-motorcycle thing from Dark Knight. No, this year is going to affect many more people:

1. Nikki Hunter from the LFL. No, I don’t want her in my windowless van. I just think it would be cool to interview a LFL player. I don’t understand how she has ignored my charm? Her Response was priceless.
2. To become the NY Giants general manager. I need to restructure this team. First, I need to eat Eli’s contract. No, not that “eat” like “lose out on an investment” eat. I mean just ingest it. That would mean we wouldn’t have to pay him, right? Then, when someone will take his contract, we trade him for a top tier running back and a 2nd tier linebacker that can bring that “hard nosed, smash mouth” type of football back to the Giants that they are desperately trying to go back to. We don’t need this drooling ogre for a quarterback and that fat pussy that doesn’t hit holes. Not to mention the back up running back, the felon who shatters into dust or fumbles every time he is hit. Then the next order of business, hire Charlie Weis as Offensive Coordinator and draft Jimmy Clausen. Then we fire that retarded defensive coordinator that ruined my defense. All he had to do was run Spagnuolo’s plan but noooo. He had to come in here like George W. Bush and run the country into the asphalt. Clinton left this place in perfect shape, what the F did you do, window-licker?
3. For Craig Carton to call me at least once a day and say “Alright” in that wacky voice he has.
4. To become the Notre Dame Athletic Director. I know this is a lot on my plate. Blogger. Pretend Comedian. Giants’ GM and now ND’s AD. I can handle it. For starters, we kick Jimmy Clausen out of school. Mostly for being a douche. He probably won’t come back but we need to cut ties from all douchery. 2nd order of business? Hire Jim Harbaugh. Fuck Brian Kelly. Who cares if he won with Cincinnati? This is Notre Dame and he kind of seems like an asshole. Jim Harbaugh, on the other hand, has beaten USC and really…that’s all I care about from the Irish next year.
5. Hofstra’s Football program to return. I know they were losing $4 million a year through this program but after 69 years wouldn’t you think a team named “The Pride” would hang around just a bit longer to see if it could right the ship? They just had a very prolific WR come from there which garnished some attention to the school. Plus, wasn’t their a little debate at that school? I think the new president or AD or whomever canceled that program should be ashamed of themselves. My message to you, good sirs? YOU MADE WAYNE CHREBET CRY!
6. Everyone that I met at the LSAT on 12/5/09 at Hofstra University, to die in a car fire together. Santa, let me set up the scene: We are about to take a test that is going to shape our next 4-5 years and possibly make us $2-3 million in our lifetime and this kid in front of me won’t stop farting. Not to mention the fratboy douchebag behind me trying to spit game to this girl in a leopard print vest. How these two idiots both went to Michigan University and met up in line to sign in for the LSAT is beyond me. I must applaud his undying persistency after he realized she was 2 years older and doesn’t date younger guys. Especially after she said she hates frat guys and especially after she said she had a boyfriend. It must have taken a lot of restraint to not jump her frumpy bones but this kid in his white jeans and brown leather jacket with a scarf managed to say a line like “Yeah. It’s not cool to see people you haven’t seen in a while but you kind of know at things like this. It’s annoying. That’s why I grew facial hair. To be anonymous”. No, you grew it because of the sweet irony that is your life and everything you say. Then there was also the sign in the bathroom that said “Blowjobs. 2nd Floor Monroe. Between 11-2″ so if you go to Hofstra and like blowjobs from dudes, go to the Monroe Hall. I’m sure there won’t be a gloryhole. That’s too much effort for a college kid. Even though, apparently, Hofstra wouldn’t have the money to fix it. Well all these distractions (including the hot girl who was dressed in sweatpants which bothered me to no end) decided to fuse together and form the Voltron of distractions on possibly the biggest day of my life. I think the Law School Admissions Council should create a sort of “Look Policy” similar to that of a casting director for a porn movie. Lawyers should only get to be ridiculously good looking. Like myself. Santa, I guess what I’m trying to say is, kick all the ugly people out of the law field to free up opportunities for me because let’s face it, ugly people aren’t really people anyway. They’re like female Asians in Asia.
7. A Tila Tequila v. Rihanna MMA match at Madison Square Garden. I know you’d first have to get MMA to be legal in NYS, but think about the luster returning to the Garden because even you know, Santa, that the Knicks aren’t getting LeBron and not going to do shit with all the cash they freed up. So give me this. Rihanna had a lot to say about that Vietnamese Spy who can’t do a sexy dance without falling on her face like a baby giraffe pushed onto an ice lake (thanks wwtdd for the greatest analogy ever).  Then Tila Tequila (who is so witty) created a nickname for her, “Riherpes”. How clever? So let’s let them fight. We all know Rihanna has a tougher chin than Tom Brady, and with that 5-head she is rocking, I wouldn’t bet against her. Tila just pretends she has an army. Like a sociopath.
8. Something for me to Logicisize and lastly,
9. A flame thrower.

Ok Santa. That’s all I want for Christmas. Remember, if you give me what I want…the situation goes away quietly and I’ll return Mrs. Clause to an undisclosed location as long as there are no cops and the money isn’t rigged with ink and explosives.Thanks again, Santa.

Unfaitfully Yours,

Logic

Via (www.TheGallyBlog.com)

Pet Peeves are common amongst the human race. Everyone seems to have at least one. They are more common, however, amongst me. I got set off when thinking about a concert I was going to be attending and going to see one of the people that I loathe the most in the entire world: “The guy who screams songs at a band until they play them” guy. Man, I fucking hate this person. They think they have the perfect set list in their head. They just sit there and yell in between songs like “BLACK! PLAY BLACK!” and then the heckle will be too soft for the band to hear, usually due to shitty seats, but just audible enough to piss me off for an hour and a half concert. There is two types of this person though, one guy will just yell until that song is played and he isn’t nearly as bad as the 2nd type. Unless the song he requests is the most popular song and obviously being saved for the Encore. Then he is equally annoying. The 2nd type is the guy who yells a song and then immediately after said song is played, he begins yelling his 2nd favorite song until that song is played. It is mind numbingly annoying to me.

Well, that was what set me off. That was until I was reading facebook and saw this “I’m a chill, down to earth, laid back type of person who hates drama”. Really? Really? That’s what you fucking are? You hate drama? You don’t like to fight with your significant other and your head doesn’t explode? Man. You are a fucking unique snowflake. I am impressed. Should I propose to you now. I literally have been looking for a laid back person who hates drama, my whole life. I mean could you be more vague in your About Me? I’m actually thinking about putting “I like movies, sports and music” in my profile. Wouldn’t you learn so much about me? I mean, my Facebook profile isn’t much better. It has a Hunter S. Thompson quote and then a Dark Knight quote, but honestly…there isn’t much more to me beyond that.

I’ve decided to list all my Pet Peeves off the top of my head:

1. Set List/Concert Guy
2. Vague About Me Girl
3. People who give you a look when you’re going 85 on the parkway and you don’t get out of their way after they tailgate you
4. SUVs with those blue LED head lights
5. Michael and Michael
6. Liberal douche bags who ONLY read the NY Post
7. People that say “make love”
8. Reality TV
9. Children
10. Susan Boyle
11. Tyler Perry
12. Penis Enlargement/Tampon Commercials
13. People who remind you the serious hazards of smoking
14. Words that have weird plural forms like “Stadia”
15. Words that don’t rhyme.
16. People who don’t even try to make racism funny.
17. Rob Schneider
18. Christmas sweaters
19. Mutton chops
20. People who go to work sick because they don’t want to use their sick time and get others deathly ill
21. The appeal of Oprah
22. Prescription  pill laws
23. Reptiles and bugs
24. “Myspace” camera angles that are practically witchcraft.
25. Dogs smaller than 25 lbs.
26. Last Call for bars
27. Hangovers
28. Fat people that work at supplement stores like GNC
29. iTunes’ monopoly on music downloading.
30. John Cusack
31. Parsley (wtf does it do? it doesn’t even have a taste)
32. Old people
33. Face painting fans
34. the fact you pay for Xbox Live
35. Anything about New England
36. Ungrateful dicks who don’t give reacharounds (just checking if your paying attention)
37. Mets Fans
38. Self Serving douche bags
39. The fact you can’t reply to people who DM you on Twitter because they don’t follow you even though they initiated the conversation. (Call me Shannon Elizabeth!)
40. People who feel they should do raffles at bars on a Friday night
41. the fact the iPhone only comes for AT&T
42. Extremely long fingernails
43. Vigilante laws
44. not sleeping in my bed when I’m sober.
45. Names that could be for a guy or a girl.
46. the Lingerie Football League
47. Twilight fans

And I’ll stop at 47 because that was my football number. There are many more if I put my mind to it but this post literally took under 20 minutes because I DESPISE that many things. The first two might be the worst though, those are the ones that set me off. The rest didn’t really have an order. Ok, bye now. I feel better.