Bye Bye, Osi.

Hmph. Booty IS rocking everywhere..

Yes. The Giants are finally in headlines. At least in New York, they are. It’s because of a past mistake. So like you, to your mother. Well, I have a morphine drip that will make Brittany Murphy’s cold dead pussy water plus a lot of time so here comes a Giants rant. No, you eat it.

Well this all started with my favorite current NFL player who is not on the Giants, Jeremy Shockey. Jeremy Shockey is pretty much a revolutionary. He is the greatest thing to ever happen to the NFL since Bill Romanowski. After the Giants’ legendary Super Bowl run in 2007, they traded my hero to the Saints because they thought they didn’t need him after playing  5 games without him. Fat Kevin Boss made one or two catches and Jerry Reese douched up the place. It’s not a good thing. The Saints were willing to give up a 2^nd and 5^th round pick for Shockey which turned out to be WAY to low. The Giants drafted Clint Sintim and Rhett Bomar. Ask me if I would take that. Go ahead. Ask me… NO FUCKING WAY. That could have been a great deal if the Giants drafted Shonn Green (awesome) and Johnny Knox (Pro Bowl). But it wasn’t. It was Rhett Bomar. Are we looking to replace Eli soon? Seriously? You gave him a contract extension. Hell, we could’ve used Thomas Morstead (who by the way, the Saints also have) over Bomar.

Anyway, Osi Umenyiora is threatening the coaching staff this week. He also shits on women. Osi says that if he doesn’t earn the starting job, he’s taking his ball and he is going home. Well, Osi…FUCK YOU. We don’t need you, at all. Have you heard of a man named Mathias Kiwanuka? Yeah. Well. He has a blacker name than you. Plus! He doesn’t cry. Like a woman. Who is weak.

Obviously, you have to trade Osi. It’s the only Logical solution. Seriously. You are bringing in the new Perry Fewell who may want to keep him, but the thing is, it looks like you would be giving in to his demands. From the other side, as a player, you can’t handcuff a coach like that. As management, you can’t move people any time they slightly get out of line. Look at what Brandon Marshall does with Denver after that Cutler debcle. It just doesn’t help your team. The reason that I vote for “trade” is because, what happens if you keep him, promise him the job and then not start him because he sucks or Kiwnuka is that good? You’re effed in the bee, my friend.

Beeteedubs, Fewell also runs a cover 2 which requires athletic linebackers (Giants have 1) and ball hawking safeties (Kenny Phillips), so I think we’ll be solid. /mouthfart.

Back to Osi. Well, I think you can get a similar deal for Osi that you did with Shockey. Osi is pretty much a Pro Bowler every year, except in this case, Bill Sheridan hates him like he hates America and blitzing and the other one was Eli Manning being an inept and fragile leader/quarterback. A 2^nd and a 5^th rounder is pretty reasonable for a DE that can deliver 18 sacks and all he wants is a starting job. The reason why I say toss him is, because we don’t have a need at that position. The Giants at one time had 4 solid defensive ends. You can’t play that many! Get rid of him for some veteran talent at the positions that you need and let them compete now or draft players for a position where you have temporary solution in an area of need. While we are at it, ANYONE WANT A FAT PUSS OF A RUNNINGBACK?!?

I also wouldn’t be above trading Osi for players, either. But you need somewhat big names when dealing with a perennial All-Star. The Saints weren’t willing to give up a 2^nd, 5^th and Roman Harper for Shockey. Roman Harper? Seemed harmless, right? Yep. Made the Pro-Bowl and Super Bowl, this year. Especially if the G-Men can get a Pro-Bowl linebacker who can be a leader of a defense like Pierce was, or a ball-hawking/game-changing safety, let’s do it. Do it.

My perfect scenario? Trading the 15^th over all pick and Osi for the pick that drafts Eric Berry. Dude’s a stud. Is it likely? Well, like I said…I’m on a lot of morphine.

Using Logic: People Just Aren’t Getting It.

Welcome back, sports-fans. The Using Logic Hotline is still open 24 hours a day at  Logic@TheGallyBlog.com or @Hbomb47 and this is where I can help you out with any issues in which you are stuck and don’t know what to do. Normally we like to keep it sports related. Other times it can be sexy. Whatever your little heart desires. I’m not picky, especially when I’m drunk. I’ve even fisted your sister. That’s right. Sister Fister, they call me.

(e-mail in italics, Logic in bold and italics)

Dear Sultan of Sass,

LOL! Did you like the nickname I gave you? It’s like what they do to Drew at Deadspin. Except you’re not that talented or fat. Supposedly. I still think you’re a photoshop wizard because you think like a fat hooker molester. That’s right. You molest hookers. Hookers won’t even consensually give you sex for money. So, Merlin, I thought this article would be right up your alley; especially because I am totally offended by it. I don’t think these “people” should be allowed in high school sports, let alone drink out of the same water bottles and wrestle on the same mats! I mean, you can catch ringworm from a mat, why couldn’t you catch gangrene or whatever it is that cut this thing’s limbs off? Wait a second, I just saw that picture. Does he have elbow hands? Or is that a midget? I can’t even tell. It just looks like he has that lazy look you see in hospitals in those “special” wards. They aren’t physically lazy. Their brains are just a tad lazy. They get that whole Eli Manning look going. Did he think he was going to be doing wrestling stuff like John Cena? Poor kid. From what I gather, he is just physically handicapped. Maybe he used to be a surfer? I don’t know, man. I’ve seen Shark Week.

Now, I know I’m supposed to come correct with a question, so here it is: “Who is more fucked up? The kid trying to infect everyone with his disease, the writer for comparing his retard walk to a “wild west sheriff’s saunter” or the coach for putting him against a normal? Thanks for all your time, Logic. You may now go back to convincing teens the bubbling in their drink is carbonation, not roofies.

Sincerely,
LobsterClaus

Dear LobsterClaus,

First of all, is that your name because of those “elbow hands”? If so, kudos. Secondly, I think you are a terrible person. Not for sending me the article but because you think”a normal” can “catch retard” from just anywhere. Help me! I can’t stop air quoting! But anyway, you only catch retard if you ingest someones spit. It’s like mono. So just don’t be kissin’ no retards, ya heard?

As for the high school wrestling phenom (read as: overachiever), his name is AJ Leitch. You’re obviously a Deadspin reader. This must be the offspring of Daulerio’s sperm mixed with Leitch’s sister. Or something. Not sure. I’m saying it’s that way because we all know Daulerio doesn’t have the strongest swimmers. Mostly from the coke. That’s okay though, I’m not here to judge. I’m here to make a ruling. I’m here to make society better. I’m here TO KEEP SPORTS NORMAL!

I think the two most fucked up people (out of the 3) are the writer and the coach. If you noticed, the writer used a quote like this from Alex Lodge (Leitch’s opponent) “I look up to him”. An obvious joke! The dude is like 3 feet tall. Unless his legs are normal height and then it would be really weird that he has those penguin arms. What’s the point of wrestling? Why not run track? Another great quote from this Mason Kelly character, “Leitch calls it his situation”. Ok, I get it. It’s a Jersey Shore reference, it’s nice and cute that he makes jokes of  having thrombocytopenia-absent radius but is that really something that makes it through to last cut? Kelly goes on to explain how Leitch first utilized his head on the floor with angling and “walking in a step ladder like way” to eventually stand and teach himself to walk. What does he say a few paragraphs later? He quotes Leitch saying “[being handicapped is] like being an inventor, you always need to use your head”. TASTELESS, I SAY! TASTELESS!

Secondly, it the coach. He’s gaining an unfair advantage. This kid loses A LOT of weight by not having normal limbs. So he wrestles at 103 lbs and those kids aren’t strong! Shit, women that weigh 104 lbs are sexy but they can’t pin me, unless I let them. RAWR! So this coach has one guarantee, that this kid won’t get pinned and as a team, doesn’t go down by more points (5 for a pin, I think). I’d RATHER have this kid than a real shitty, weak kid at 103 lbs who gets pinned and loses 5 points every match. Plus, his record is 1-21 so that 1 time you were expecting a loss, you got a win!

I did read something else disturbing during the article. It said that Leitch picked up his first (only) win against a woman. So now he hits women?!? What kind of monster is this kid?! He thinks it’s amazing. It just makes me wonder what kind of drugs the parents are on (going back to Daulerio) that they let this kid grow up to be physically handicapped and think its okay to hit women in the face.

And then, at the end of the article, the author tells you that Leitch bumped up to 112 lbs and LOST! To a man. So, he’s no Anderson Silva, he can’t switch weight classes. I wouldn’t go putting this kid in the wrestling Hall of Fame next to Stu Hart, just yet.

So that’s your answer on that. I’m going to take this a bit further and say this, TRACK IS NOT A SPORT. First of all, it’s an object. It’s something you run on. So can we change the name to the “Running Team” or the “Running Meet”? Secondly, can we just quit the track shit all together? Seriously. I (love to remind you that I) played college lacrosse. When I got in trouble for: alcohol, drug testing, not going to class, confrontations with teachers, breaking and entering, fighting or alcohol, I would have to run. That’s the point of track, that is all you do. How stupid is that? What do you do when you get in trouble during track? Play flag football? It’s backwards, that’s what it is.

Well, LobsterClaus, I hope I answered your question. I think all in all the writer should take the most responsibility for being shitty because he celebrated this mediocre girl hitter and tried to jazz it up with Jersey Shore references and height jokes. I think. I don’t know. I blacked out.

Unfaithfully Yours,
Logic.

Strikeforce is Tough to Watch

Apparently, One of Herschel’s Personalities is a racist caricature. Anyway, Last night, I completely forgot that Strikeforce was even on. To the casual MMA fan, this is basically the minor leagues to UFC. They offer “Pay Per View-like” events, except they are often aired on free TV or ShoTime. The fighters are usually guys just on the brink of that big contract and some just have moral or personal vendettas against Dana White and/or the UFC. Other times, the fighters are just carnival acts. Like last night. The card starts out with a freakshow fight. Bobby Lashley. For those of you who aren’t into MMA (or even the WWE), this is what Bobby Lashley looks like:

Yeah, That's Him

Despite his name sounding like a female pornstar from 1970, Bobby Lashley is a massive human. He came into this event with a 4-0 MMA record and it looks like people are just feeding him opponents like they used to do to Bill Goldberg in WCW to get his undefeated streak up. I mean it looks that way, but wrestling is fake. Sorry to break it to you. MMA is very, unpredictable (as we saw in the next fight). That would’ve been a smooth transition to the Lawler fight, but I want to talk about Lashley v. Sims more. Wes Sims is a lumpy, 6′8” fighter that decided to borrow GSP’s trunks. He had such a massive muffin top, I thought I was staring at my 10th grade Home Economics teacher. Sims is a reject off of the Ultimate Fighter: Season 10. He lost in the early rounds and many don’t remember him because his name isn’t “Kimbo”. Well the fight started out and Sims really showed why he was an almost +2000 under dog. For those of you that aren’t compulsive gamblers, that means if you bet $100 on Wes Sims…you could have made $2,000 if he won the fight. Seems like the greatest bet in the world, right? Well you would’ve lost your damn money because Bobbie Lashley beat the demons out of him. Lashley won via Ground and Pound and referee stoppage. I call it “the famous punch” because the referee could’ve let them continue to fight, he just didn’t want to see another Seth Petruzelli (who knocked out Kimbo in 8 seconds.) Wanna see what he looks like?

Needs a good ol' fashioned FAG DRAG!

Moving on. The next fight, was the fight of the night. I guess. IMO it had the most action. It was (a very talented fighter, whom I do respect) Robbie Lawler v. (a guy I don’t really know) Melvin Manhoef. I’ve seen Robbie Lawler fight a few times, the first time was his legendary fight v. Scott Smith on cable TV during Kimbo’s MMA debut to the world. Well the fighters came out and Melvin came out ferocious. He was throwing these violent leg kicks. Lawler was going for the knockout the whole time. He showed a spinning backfist and even some spinning head kick he was trying to do. However, he wasn’t connecting much. Manhoef was devastating him with leg kicks, to the point where Lawler was trying desperately to move his leg out of the way of the kicks and was extending his leg in a right angle of sorts. You could tell he was in a lot of pain. And then BOOSH! Lawler levels Manhoef with an overhand right and then when Manhoef drops to his knees, Lawler hit him again. Then the referee got on top of Lawler and Lawler hit him with the opposite hand so he could get another shot in. I thought Manhoef was dead. Fuck it, why am I explaining it. Watch this knock out in all it’s glory: here.

The next fight was another circus fight. Herschel Walker making his MMA debut. A lot of people called him crazy for getting into the Octagon and he might have been. He is an old ass man. He is 47 years old. The only person that can do that, is Randy fucking Couture. Well Herschel came out and he looked good, man. For someone who’s supposedly never worked out with weights, he was pretty jacked. He looked like he was in ten times better shape than his opponent. Greg Nagy (pronounced Nudge). Well, the deja vu happened. Herschel Walker came out and had his opponent nervous and then what happened? Took him down and won via ground and pound after referee stoppage. Or, the Famous Punch. It was kind of sad. It’s almost like Strikeforce executives said: “Hey, Bobby, Herschel. If you get into trouble, just take them down, move their hands out of the way and punch them in the face 3 times. That’ll be the signal to stop the fight.” Well, after Herschel Walker got finished gang stomping Nagy with himself, the circus continued.

The next fight? Yep. Circus match. Cyborg Santos’ cock v. Marlos Coenen. It was actually a good fight with lots of actions. Cyborg won via TKO and retains her belt. I really could care less about women fighting though. It’s not my sweet heart Gina Carano. What’s that? You want another picture? Why, of course!

The last fight on the main card was MMA’s douchebag bad boy, Nick Diaz v. Marius Zaromskis. It was an okay fight. The reason is, Nick Diaz is such a lanky punk that he had like a 5 or 6 inch reach advantage. Biggest reach in the event? You got that right. Cyborg’s cock. This fight was quick and to the point. It showed that no matter how big of a douche bag Diaz is, he belongs in the UFC. He’s a good fighter. He just needs to figure out how to hurt people. I think he threw close to 4,000 punches in one round. He landed 78% of those punches and finally I think he tripped Marius and the guy just didn’t want to get up anymore. If I was in a pillow fight against Diaz, I would let him use his fists.

So that’s the recap of all the fights. Now, for my grudge. It’ll be quick. I promise. Strikeforce is a second tier company. That’s a given. This was a great card. If not by fighting standards, by attracting viewers. Fuck, you even had Rex Ryan in the stands calling everyone from Miami a “fish loving queerface and we’re going to come back next season and throw your dicks in the dirt”. This card could have been split in two. They could have show cased some new fighters to us. They could have had the Diaz fight as a headline and the Herschel Walker fight as a headline. They could’ve taken the 3 circus matches right out of this card and had 1 big night of circus fights. They could’ve grabbed that tranny Petruzelli and put him against the tranny Cyborg. Cyborg can fight two people at the same time. It’s ok.

I just don’t see the reasoning on putting all fights on at the same time and then never hearing from Strikeforce for another 6 months because they are trying to get a card together. Unless next card has Dan Henderson, Cung Le, Scott Smith, Brett Rogers and Fedor all fighting…it’ll be a disappointment.

Oh hell, why not. God, I love her.

Update: Rex Ryan from Last Night:

Best. Coach. Ever.

Hog Watch!

(Note: The Video isn’t working over here. I got it to work over at The Gally Blog so heres the link)

Alright, not much going on other than Rex Ryan giving the finger and some Peyton Manning forehead jokes. The rest is just Hockey and Basketball. *shudders* I am heading to my first ever Knicks game on Friday, but there is something more important than that. Saturday. UFC 109. It is happening and it’s a very good card. Dana White is a not a dumb man. He knows there is going to be no competition with his company since the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight was canceled and football season coming to a close. Hell, pitchers and catchers didn’t even report yet. He is going to try to fill that dreadful gap in between football and baseball by throwing title matches and monster rematches in your face. Me? I fill your mother’s gap and shoot other stuff in her face.

Anyway, Joe Rogan is a great stand up comedian. He also trains in BJJ and if I’m not mistaken, he is pretty good (Brown Belt says Wikipedia). One thing is for sure, he isn’t that little pudge ball he was on The Man Show. He is pretty f-cking ripped now. The video is pretty funny, it just shows Rogan changing (TOTALLY SFW, NO HOMO) and some guy that he is totally aware of that just keeps staring at his junk. What? I didn’t Google “Joe Rogan, naked” or anything!

Hey All.

Just updating my Gally Blog achievements over here. This was a solid post that Gally put together featuring prominent bloggers like Will Leitch and Dan Levy. Plus all the normal vagrants you would see at the Last Call (The Phoenix Pub) or writing for The Gally Blog (Gally, Gimp, Chub, WSR, PJD, Grizzly and me). Plus, Josh Zerkle or Monday Morning Punter from Withleather/KSK called the score dead on.

I got a few links up on the Best of Logic that are going to The Gally Blog, so check them up until I re-post them over here. Deal?

Super Logical Weekend

Alright, got a musical interlude. That’s a Long Island band called Straylight Run singing their song “Hands in the Sky (Big Shot)“. It’s really cool and it shows that Long Island can create something other than lacrosse players and guys with flammable hair. The band features John Nolan formerly of Taking Back Sunday as their normal lead singer. Ok, now you got some background music, I need to talk about my weekend because it was pretty hilarious. To me, at least.

Jack Hillen is a Good Goalie, Bad Chewer

Alright, I NEVER post about Hockey and with the NFL Draft and Fantasy Baseball coming up, I probably never will again. So here it goes. Ok, so what we have here is an Islander by the name of…(/looks up name) Jack Hillen. Well, Mr. Hillen and the Islanders were playing the (/checks source) Washington Capitals and they have the best player in the world. Or at least the highest paid/ugliest player. I know that much. (/checks spelling) Alexander Ovechkin.

Well, Hillen decided it might be a good idea to try to stop Ovechkin’s slapshot. Like any normal hockey player. Except, Hillen decided to stop it…WITH HIS MOUTH! AHHHH!

Kudos, to Hillen’s head for not shattering into quarks because that shot looked hard. It broke his jaw and he’s out 6-8 weeks. I’ve broken my jaw once. It’s miserable, I lost 17 lbs in 3 weeks of smoothies. Except I got hit with brass knuckles at a bar. I’ve never gotten hit with a hockey puck but it looks bad. It looks worse than a baseball. I’ve been hit with lacrosse balls tons of times and they are solid rubber. In Division II the shots from an attackmen got up to about 88-92 MPH. I don’t know what that is in Europetalk but it’s pretty fast in America. Well, anyway, I got hit in the inner thigh once and I would’ve sworn it was going to hit me in the nuts. I didn’t get hit in the nuts and then I blacked out. It was crazy. So actually, I’m tougher than any hockey player. Good story right?

(wink and gunfingaz to PUNTE)

The Hammer of Oden

I talk about Oden after the jump. Right?

Updating like Crazy!

I Can't Believe I Own This.

Once again, I just really re-post everything I do from The Gally Blog. For instance, this is a survey that I took from Matthew Berry the ESPN Fantasy Sports writer. Click the Gally Blog link for that. I do it just to save my writing because I’m very vein and re-read everything I write often. Actually, I consider this a running portfolio/resume to other blogs. So I need to keep the good stuff. I had one blog fire me from their website before I could save anything I’ve written. It wasn’t cool and it was basically because of these two immature Philadelphia bloggers that couldn’t take a joke. One in more particular than the other. The other I made famous in some blogging circles with his infamous picture.

Well, I digress. So that’s my point. Check out the next few posts as well.

Oh and also, here was a little weekly update on what was going on during this week. I have some cute jokes.

I Would Hit That.

I'm Not Saying I Wouldn't...

Yeah. This is old already. It’s been up at Deadspin who cracked the story this morning. I heard it on my way to work from WFAN’s Boomer and Craig Carton show. This is me not caring. I really have one thing I enjoy in life. It’s looking at famous ass. I don’t care if it’s old, new, fat, sexy, big or small. I’ll look at that ass and I’ll judge it. I’ll judge it like Tupac says I shouldn’t.

To be fair, I was present for her sister to curse out Ms. Swan from MadTV, so I have a connection with this family. Also, sports are really boring when it’s just basketball and hockey (pardon me, Canadian and Black readers). Football is like my one and only. After the Super Bowl, I feel like my wife just died of cancer. So don’t get all high and mighty on me in your ivory tower because I showed some athletic ass on a sports blog. You can’t even see her c-ck! And, tranny porn is awesome anyway. You get 4 boobs and only have to stare at 1 dong. The only thing that is sad, when you see that hers is bigger than yours…What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Well, as a pervert sports analyst, I have to say this: Her sister just did “The Body Mag” for ESPN and had that sexy picture I posted earlier in the year so maybe she was just cuttin’ to the chase? “I’m juss sayin”. Is that how the cool kids say it?

Why are the Pages Stuck Together, Whitlock?